Somewhere deep inside of these bones, an emptiness began to grow. . .

[[ Thank you Tim for suggesting the idea of using songs for blog titles, and thank you Nightmare Revisited for renewing my love of The Nightmare Before Christmas. ]]

My happiness, my peace of mind, my appreciation of life -- it's amazing how one Tuesday night managed to take that all away from me. I feel empty inside now; sickeningly hollow.

All I've done in life was ignore my issues and try to be optimisitic about everything. That's basically all I'm good for -- limitless optimism. Yet lately, I can't even do that right. I can flash a few half-hearted smiles, fake a laugh now a then, but I'm becoming so terrible at that all I've done was remain silent and nod occasionally to pretend that I'm paying attention to what's going on.

As the days drift by (and as I sustain more and more injuries as a result of lack of sleep and absent-mindedness), all I've found myself wanting to do was just sit in a dark corner and wait until I eventually wither away. I still try to cheer my friends up when they're gloomy, but it's so much harder when I can't even make myself happy anymore. But I keep trying regardless, because if I can't keep my peace of mind or my once-limitless amount of happiness, then I at least want to keep the image of my friends' smiles embedded in my mind. The constantly increasing amount physical injuries and the worsening of my previous ones don't help my mood any either. (Seriously, one day I know I'm gonna get hurt BADLY, but what scares me more is how nonchalant I feel when I think about it).

Here I come back to the lack of happiness issue. If I can't even do the one thing I'm good at, then what does that make me?

Useless, worthless. Just a waste of space. What's the point in continuing on with my life if things are going to go on like this? I want more reason to be grateful for being alive right now besides 'it's better than being dead'. I wish I could see things the way I did before, where nothing is truly bad because there's always something far worse that could've happened instead. It feels like everything I knew before was a lie, and now I'm finally seeing how cruel the world is. . .

I'm not sure if this is just the post-rape depression speaking or not (hehe, I wonder how many of you will go "YOU WERE DEPRESSED?! :O"), but all I know is that optimism is a pipe dream. Or at the very least, for people who truly have had an easy life. . .

A rant or a stroke of realization?

I've been VERY stressed out lately, more so than I have been in a very long time. As for my reason why, well it's a long story and it only makes sense if you knew what my past was like.

You see, for the vast majority of my childhood (since the day I was born to when I was in sixth grade), my family and I were homeless. Literally, homeless. Merely going from shelter to shelter while my parents searched desperately for jobs. At one point, sometime when I was around nine or ten years old, my mother's uncle offered to let us stay with him. That was where my life went downhill. Whenever he caught me alone, he molested me. He'd always threaten me and say that if I ever told anyone, he'd grab one of his guns and shoot my parents. And so, I never said a word, but when I went to school, I finally managed to muster up the courage to tell a counselor about it, and she called the police. He then went to prison and I never saw him since then.

Here's where my current problem comes in. A couple of months ago, his friend recently bailed him out. On the eighteenth through the twenty-third, my parents will be going to New Mexico. Much to my dismay, he opted to watch after me and my brother while they were away. (And knowing my brother, he's gonna take advantage of the moment and extend his curfew to midnight for the time being, so it's not really me and my brother, but rather me). My mother accepted her uncle's offer, since she believes that prison changed him and that nothing will happen. Even so, I can't help but be totally terrified. I kept begging my parents to find someone else to watch over me, but everybody is too busy to come down here to Sacramento.

So here I am, praying for time to go slowly so that I don't have to see the [hopefully former] pedophile anytime soon. It's inevitable, at this point I know, but still, I wish I could stall it somehow.

I've been upset about this for a while, a couple of weeks to be precise. With this being said, I came to a bit of realization. Every time I tried to talk someone about this, I somehow ended up comforting them instead. Things have been like that for a while, but this is the first time it's bothered me that badly. I've always been the person who most came to when they needed to talk about something, yet whenever I need to vent, I never seem to get the chance to do so. It feels like no one truly cares about me, but merely see me as a way to vent out their anger and sadness.

Given the circumstances of how I grew up, I was constantly told to "watch out for myself" because "no one else in the world cares about me, except my family and myself". I never believed the statement to be true, because I knew so many people who I thought did care about me, but honestly it's starting to seem right now. Honestly, there are times where I wonder how everyone would react if I suddenly died. My family, obviously, would grieve, but those are the only people who I can honestly say that for. My friends are sweet people, but they're terribly uncaring (whether they actually notice it or not). If I died, they would miss me, but not for very long. In fact, I'd probably be forgotten within a month. They act like they care about me, but I know that my presence is invisible. I'm not really important to them, I'm just there. Like a spot of gray on a colorful canvas, I clearly don't belong, but I'm still there, whether anyone notices or not. . .

Three Words, Eight Letters

I hate you
and your loving gaze,
and your contagious smile,
which kept me smiling for days.
I hate how our story ends,
with you in the San Francisco bay,
and me still here thinking,
"You're not in my arms; you're too far away. . ."

I love you
and how you only had eyes for me.
There could be a million prettier girls around,
and yet I was the only one you'd see.
You kept me happy,
even when all you wanted to do was cry.
But I never let you shed a tear,
because if you ever did, I'd die.

I miss you
everything about you.
Your hugs, your kisses;
ever since you left,
my colorless went from dull gray
to miserable blue.
I love you,
I hate you,
I want you,
I need you,
and most of all,
I miss you. . .

note to ri

hey ri. nic told me that you weren't feeling so well, i decided to check up on you. sorry for using your blog, but i didn't feel like emailing you and waiting 27472 years for it to send. >_> emails are the source of all evil, i tell you. one day you'll see my point. one day. . .

i heard that anthony wasn't feeling too good either, but he told me that it was just his allergies acting up. maybe its the same for you? (: i hope so. if i find out you're sick, i might have a spaz attack and die or something. seriously.

oh yeah, that reminds me. i have some things i need to tell you and some messages that i need you to pass for me ( not that i couldn't do it myself, but you know email is so evil and my parents took my cellphone away last night. so. . . >_> )

news one: remember how nic said i would look good in skinny jeans? well, apparently she was right. never before has my ass felt so sexy. would you mind telling her the good news? i was going to post some pictures and ask you to send them to her, but i think i'll get off my lazy ass and send them myself. haha.

news two: I'M COMING TO SACRAMENTO NEXT WEEKEND! (: well, you already knew that, but i wanted to remind you anyway.

news three: will you please tell jacob and mitchell to come down here sometime? san francisco is great and all, but it's kind of boring.

news four: please don't kill me for not using spellcheck. ;_; I HAVE GOOD GRAMMAR, i'm just too lazy to capitalize stuff.

thanks again, ri. -hearts- i can't wait to see you again. (: i miss you~

love, mikey.

Yet Another Pointless Rant - On 'Fans'

Wow, I rant a lot more than I thought I did. Oh well.

My dear amigos and amigas, I am a VERY cheery person. Almost sickeningly so. But the one thing that'll always get in a bad mood are idiot fans. I absolutely HATE it when someone says "OMGILOVETHATBAND!" when they only know one song (Metro Station fans, you'll probably understand my pain more than anyone else.) Seriously, why not say "oh, I like that one song (title here)" and leave it at that? Why do you have say that you're a huge fan of the band? YOU ARE NOT A FAN IF YOU ONLY KNOW ONE OR TWO SONGS, TEENYBOPPERS! GET IT THROUGH YOUR FREAKING UNORIGINAL SKULLS ALREADY!

Oh, and another thing. I LOVED the Twilight series, and I still do to this very day, but the "fangirls" drive me insane. Especially the ones that spam up YouTube videos by saying "oh, this reminds me (character's name here) from Twilight!"

But I'll admit it, some of the insane fans are fun to tease. ;D Like this one time, my dear friend Nic (girl, you're a genius and I freaking love you) and I managed to convince an Edward-obsessed Twilight fan that he dies in Breaking Dawn. It was HILARIOUS!

ps. Rachel, if you ever read this, no Edward didn't die in Breaking Dawn. Only Irina did, but yeah, no one cares about her.

The Big Day

Well, it's official, today's the day Mikey's moving to the great San Fran. (His parents already found new jobs and purchased a new house, and they found a new school for Mikey to attend, so everything's set for the big move and in a much sooner time than expected.)

So Mikey broke up with me and told me that he's gonna try to keep in contact with me as much as possible. I wish we could find a way to keep dating, but I'm perfectly fine with just staying friends with him, too. Besides, we'll get to see each other every one or two months. Mikey will probably come back here when his parents want to visit their other relatives, and Jacob offered to take me along when he and Mitchell go to visit Mike in San Fransisco.

I'm hoping that this long-distance friendship will work. Wish me luck everyone! (:

.O2. Pointless Rant - Life

Just because I got bored at 3-something in the morning and I need to stop spamming the cbox on Eventide (sorry, cbox).

[[ Note;; Innocent minds should not read this post. It has a few curse words and other inappropiate stuff. ]]

So to pick up where I left off, I hate hot weather. A lot. D: But the only thing I hate more than hot weather is what happens to me during those high temperatures. Now, being of African-American and Mexican descent, I was never light-skinned to begin with. I was always a nice, light brown color. But then summer times comes along and guess what happens, folks? My skin starts to get darker. D: Personally, I love the lovely shade of brown I am right now and I'd prefer if I didn't get any darker. But 'tis inevitable, right? I guess I shouldn't complain about that.

However, I will find something else to bitch about. Now people, I love wearing my hair straight, it makes my hair look thick and I look a lot better with straight hair than I do with my natural curls. But when it gets to be over 100 degrees, the last thing I want to do is to put a hot flat iron to my hair and straighten it. Also, I'm not exactly the best person in the world when it comes to hair straightening, so of course I tend to burn myself A LOT when doing this, which makes things only a thousand times worse. D: So during the summer I usually wear my hair curly, even though it feels like I'm wearing a wooly sheep on my head.

But enough about the hot weather, let's move onto something else, shall we?

I'm a weird little girl, I'll admit that without any type of hesitation. But I tend to my irritate myself in various ways. >.<>

Next topic: Why am I surrounded by fucking idiots?

Earlier today, my best friend called me, and tells me a bunch of crap that I really don't need to know about. And no people, she isn't just trying to vent our her teen angst and looking for a shoulder to cry on. Oh no, it was far from that. This little 13-year-old idiot called me, and in the proudest tone she'd ever used when speaking, and told me all about how her day went. She told me about how her parents are so strict and wouldn't let her go outside.

I've met this girl's parents before. Seriously, they've got to be the sweetest people I've ever met, the only time they act overprotective is when they're clearly doing it out of concern. But of course, this little girl had to go sneak out of the house and went off to god knows where. (From what she told me, it sounds like she got drunk and ended up having sex with the first person she caught her hands on, so I'm guessing that after she left home, she ended up on the bad side of town).

I didn't like where the conversation was going, so I just hung up on her and went back to what I was doing on the computer. I'm sure that I'll regret it sometime tomorrow and end up calling her back, but right now I'm so disgusted with her that just thinking about her makes me wanna slap her.

On a lighter note, did I ever express my love for music? Seriously, it's my life. For the most part, I've been pretty mellow today (as I've been for the majority of my summer vacation so far). The only time I lost my temper today was with the my friend on the phone and right now, for the first few paragraphs of this post. But now that my rant is coming to a close, I feel so much better now. ^_^

Oh, by the way, Mikey's coming over to my house tomorrow (or later on today, I should say), and I gave him full access to my blog. Don't be surprised if you see a new post from him tomorrow (or later on today, whatever). ;D

Hehehehe.

Hello everyone, I'm Mikey. I came over to Ri's house this morning to hang out with her, but she was sleeping (and she's a heavy sleeper too, she didn't even notice that I went into her room, sat on her bed, and watched TV for two whole hours). But then her mom came in and told me to go on the computer until she wakes up. And here I am now, playing around on Ri's blog with nothing better to do. Hahaha.

(Don't worry Ri - I won't embarrass you with my terrible typing skills. I'm abusing the spellcheck. :P )

Speaking of Ri, apparently she never mentioned how evil her little Cocker Spaniel puppy is on here. I might as well tell the world about the little monster. Dear readers, if you ever meet Ri, STAY AWAY FROM XANDER! HE'LL TRY TO EAT YOUR FACE! Seriously. Every time I come over to Ri's house, he keeps trying to jump on me and bite me.

....Yeah, I'm gonna stop talking about the little demon before he attacks me again. He's already staring at me. O_O

Hmm, what else should I talk about...? Ah, I know! I was at the supermarket a couple a days ago with my brother and his boyfriend and we were having "shopping cart races". It was so awesome! But then I fell off my shopping cart and hit my head on several boxes of cereal. It hurt a lot, but I was too busy laughing to notice the pain. Cuz I'm cool like that. :P

Then later on we left the supermarket and my brother's boyfriend (Mitchell) forced me to try this one chocolate pie-thing that he's addicted to ("Try it or else I'll force-feed it to you," as he told me.) It was actually pretty good until I got sick from eating it too fast. Damn, just thinking about it makes me want more.

Hehehe. Blogging's fun, I should do it more often.

Confusion

Today I found out that Mikey's moving to San Fransisco in a month or two, and now I'm all messed up (to put in the most appropriate terms possible). D: Not only am I losing the best boyfriend in the world, but I'm also losing the best friend I've ever had.

A part wants to just rush over to his house and spend every minute I can with him, but another part of me is telling me not to be a clingy girlfriend and to just relax. But how can I relax? This is the friend I've had since first grade; the guy who rejected me six times, but still treated me with the utmost respect and kindness; the guy I've now been dating for almost seven months.

And now he's moving away to the bay area. Sigh. And while a part of me is debating on whether I should go spend the entire day with him or not, another part of me is also debating on whether or not I should break up with him. Mikey's cute and I'm sure he's gonna meet someone special in San Fransisco, but I really don't want to let him go.

Well, I still have a month or two to figure this whole thing out, right? Ugh, I don't know what to do now. D:

Mikey's Family

So today I had to wake up around 7:00am, and spent an entire hour trying to look nice. What was the special occasion? I got to meet Michael's parents...and I had to go to church with them.

Now, I know most of you are probably thinking "oh, what's the big deal?" Well, Mikey's parents are strict Christians, so much that it's scary. Michael even told me that he almost hates them and I've never heard Mikey say that he dislikes someone, let alone hate them. NEVER. So to hear him say that about his own parents scared the living daylights out of me.

But as I learned from a conversation I had with Mikey after church, he has a good reason to dislike him. Apparently, when Jacob first told them that he was gay, they freaking kicked him out of the house and said that they won't let him back in until he 'learns the error of his ways'! D: Mikey and Jacob are like best friends and the closest of brothers - they would murder for each other, without a doubt - so when Jacob got kicked out, that's when Mikey started to hate their parents. But Mikey told me that Jacob's happier now that he lives with his boyfriend's family.

And I know that his parents aren't too fond of me either, but honestly I don't think I'm going to try to impress them anyway. If they could kick out one of their own kids without any qualms, then I don't want to be on their good side.

Sorry for venting, but that really pissed me off. D: Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

My Silly Luv

Gah, sorry for not posting earlier. I got lazy. :P But now I shall make a new post, rambling on and on about my silly boyfriend, Michael.

So, like any other day this past week, Michael came over to my house so we could relax and spend time with each other. (We would've gone to the park or something instead, but it was way too hot outside - 100+ degrees, people.)

Like always, as soon as Mikey walks through the door, my mom rushes over to him and speaks a mile a minute, saying things like: "Are you alright?", "Do you want something to drink?", "It's so hot outside, I don't see how you could walk all the way over here everyday", and then she goes and gets him a cup of lemonade. Then Mikey sits down in one of the computer chairs and spins around like a maniac, all while sipping on his lemonade. It usually takes like three and a half minutes of spinning (yes people, I've actually timed it) before he gets dizzy and stops.

He doesn't really mess around with my mom and bro much, since they're already silly enough as it is. But Mikey LOVES to screw around with my dad - and after my dad tricked him into thinking that he didn't approve of our relationship, that only gave Mikey more motivation to toy with him.

Now, when Mikey screws around people, there's only two ways he'll do it - he'll either follow them all around day until they force him to leave, or he'll use the 'disturbingly nice' method, as he calls it. When it comes to my dad, he uses both.

So today, he followed my dad around the house and kept spewing random compliments like: "Wow, you raised a great family, sir", "I wish I could grow up to be as handsome as you are", "I wish my dad could be more like you", etc. My dad just ignored him and went about his business, and eventually Mikey got bored and went back to hanging out with me and my boringness. :P

But alas, all good things must come to an end. Around 8:00pm, Mike's older brother, Jacob, and his boyfriend, Mitchell, came to take him home. (Yes people, Mike's older brother is gay. And I'll admit it, Jacob's easily the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen - he literally made a straight dude gay).

So now here I am, bored and chillaxing on the interwebz. Oh well, at least I'll get to see Mikey again tomorrow.

.O1. Pointless Rant - Advertisements

Is it just me or do advertisements have nothing to do with the products anymore? Yes, I'm fully aware that Dave Chappelle mentioned that in one of his comedy acts, but I'd never really noticed that he was right until now.

For instance, while I was on my field trip today, the bus driver turned on the radio and a love song started playing. It was a sweet song with meaningful lyrics that were sung in a melodic voice. But then suddenly the song stops and all of the sudden I hear the name of a restaurant, along with it's slogan: "...always serving fresh chicken."

Now how is a love song related to chicken? There's no connection at all. None. As a realize now, there are a lot of advertisements that aren't related to their product, so many that I can't even begin to list them all. . .

Welcome to my blog. (:

Welcome to my blog, everyone! As you might of guessed, my name's Mariah and I'm an overly energetic girl who has too much time on her hands. Sure, I can be a total pain in the ass sometimes, but overall I'd say that I'm easy to get along with. My hobbies include reading, writing, drawing, anime and manga, and of course, role playing (and I'm talking about text-based roleplays, not like Maplestory or World of Warcraft role plays).

I'll mostly use this blog to post some of my short stories or to rant about various, unimportant things. I love writing and I don't agitate easily, so it'll probably end up being used more for short stories than anything else. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them.

Hmm, what else? What else? Oh yes, I should probably explain why I have "M.N.M" at the end of my posts. It's there for two reasons. The first being it's my initials (including my middle name) and the second reason is because I love M&M's. (: Yum, yum, yum.